Today I finally felt compelled to take an in-depth look at the journal I kept during my recovery from Post-Concussive Syndrome. I have been thinking about creating a post like this for a while because I believe we have such a fascination with the internal workings of each other’s minds. I plan to make a sequential lay out of entries from my recovery, but I came across one post that touched me so profoundly, if I do say so myself, that I felt pulled to share it prematurely.
So that you can make some sense of it, like I said this was written during my Post-Concussive recovery. At the time I could not read or do much of anything cognitively, but as a way to test my symptoms on any given day, I would write. I did not do it often, and many of my entries are emotionally charged. I have also seen a remarkable transition from the first post on December 25, 2010 until now. One of the things that I always felt strongly about was running, which is apparent in the entry below. Nothing has been altered; it is straight from my scripted handwriting.
April 4, 2011
“Memories are amazing things. It’s so amazing to me how the sight, smell, or slightest feeling can bring back so much. I went for a short walk out in the sun today, and it brought back a rush of summer training memories. Lining up in the heat on the turf at Stellos and being hot and exhausted after a good run. I miss that feeling of utter exhaustion—good exhaustion—of a great workout and a healthy lifestyle. The drives to and from, hopping the fence, our aching muscles and labored breathing are all so vivid to me now. The sounds I hear outside now make me ache desperately for a healthy summer. I am okay with the wait, but please give me a June to celebrate about. I know my mom’s birthday is probably wishful thinking, but please, don’t take away my summer. The hums of airplanes, lawn mowers, weed whackers; the chirps of bluebirds and cardinals; the dull rumble of the air-conditioning units all make me long for days of reading on our patio next to the pool. Wind chimes, running water, laughter, temporary sunsets. Flowers, freshly cut grass, moist skin, a clear mind, and a sound spirit.”
As I reflected on this entry, I realized that June of 2011, just like I had asked, is a month I celebrate frequently. I remember it as the time I changed my diet, I started meditating, I opened myself to all possibilities, and I soaked in the sunshine. During that month, I became confident in my exercising, I met some incredible healers, and I started to breathe fully and deeply once again. This goes to show if you set the intentions and allow them to be, they come to you in ways you would never expect. Lovely.